What Not to Say to a Griever and How To Respond

What Not to Say to a Griever and How To Respond

Grief is complex. When someone we care about is grieving, we naturally want to offer comfort, support, and love. But sometimes, in our desire to help, we might unintentionally say things that don’t have the effect we hope for. Words are powerful; they can either support a griever or make them feel more isolated.

Sometimes the best thing you can say is nothing. Just be present.

Let’s explore what not to say to a griever and how we can respond with compassion, care, and empathy instead.

1. “I know how you feel.”

I’ve said it myself before. From a place of wanting to relate, it can feel comforting to share our own experiences. But grief is unique for every person. it doesn’t have one "right" way to feel. Saying “I know how you feel” can unintentionally make the griever feel like their experience is being minimized.

What to say instead:

“I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I’m here for you. If you want to talk, I’m ready to listen.”

2. “At least they lived a long life.”

This phrase is often meant to offer perspective, but it can come across as dismissive. Grief isn’t about how long someone lived; it’s about the love we had for them, the memories we shared, and the loss we feel now that they’re no longer with us.

What to say instead:

“I’m so sad for your loss. My heart is with you during this incredibly difficult time.”

3. “Everything happens for a reason.”

You may want to offer a silver lining, but the truth is that sometimes life doesn’t make sense. Telling a griever that “everything happens for a reason” can unintentionally invalidate their pain.

What to say instead:

“I don’t have all the answers, but I’m here to support you in any way you need.”

4. “You should be over this by now.”

This can be deeply hurtful. Grief doesn’t follow a schedule, and it doesn’t have an expiration date. Grief can resurface, evolve, and change shape over time and that’s normal.

What to say instead:

“I’m here for you.”

5. “I know someone who went through something similar, and they…”

While this comes from a place of wanting to help, grief isn’t a one-size-fits-all experience. Comparing one loss to another doesn’t help the griever feel seen; it usually makes them feel more alone.

What to say instead:

“Everyone grieves differently, and I’m here for you in whatever way you need. If you want to share, I’m ready to listen.”

Your Words Matter More Than You Think

If you’re reading this, it’s because you care. And that’s everything.
You don’t have to say the perfect thing. You just have to be present, patient, and kind. We all make mistakes in how we show up but the fact that you’re willing to grow in how you support others is already a beautiful start.

Want a simple, clear guide you can keep on hand?

Download your free copy of “What Not to Say to a Griever and How To Respond”
This guide breaks it all down in one easy resource you can revisit any time you want to support someone who’s grieving with more empathy and confidence.

You never know the power your presence and words can have in someone’s darkest moment.

With heart,
 ❤️ Danielle

P.S. A Quick Note About the Word’s: “I’m Sorry”

We often say “I’m sorry” when we’re around someone who’s grieving. And while it’s well-intentioned, it’s worth reflecting on the words we choose.

“I’m sorry” is a statement of ownership, something we say when we’ve done something wrong or caused harm. But if you didn’t cause the loss, then “sorry” might not be the word you actually mean.

You might really be feeling sad, heartbroken, helpless, or compassionate.

Try instead:

“I’m heartbroken with you.”
“This is so hard, and I hate that you’re hurting.”
“I care about you so much and I’m here.”

It’s not about perfect words, it’s about presence and honesty.